The road less travelled...

Title: In Dreams – Living The Dream 1/3
Author: katherine_b
Rating: PG
Summary: The time has come for the Doctor to assess what he has.
A/N: Written for time_converges, who said “I'd love to see Donna and the Doctor and baby Adam visit Ood Sigma, after the events of In Dreams. And if we can find out more about Donna's experiences with the pregnancy and everything while the Doctor was gone, even better, but I'll leave that up to you. I love the original so much, I'm shameless in asking for more. :D” Consider this an early birthday present, sweetie!
Also for loves_glamour and louiscat68, who asked if “we can see what Donna did when she found out she was having Adam and glimpses of her nine months”. This has a bit of my own timestamp on it as well, so I hope you enjoy it!
A/N 2: The lyrics on each part are from the Enya song that shares its name with the title of this fic.
A/N 3: Also written for the fifty-sixth weekly drabble challenge with the prompt ‘memory’.

When the cold of Winter comes, starless night will cover day. In the veiling of the sun we will walk in bitter rain.

Part I

Four hours, seven minutes and fifty-eight seconds.

That’s how long it’s been since Donna Noble stepped over the threshold of the TARDIS and resumed her life with him.

Not that he’s counting.

He smiles at the thought and leans down to brush a stray strand of hair off Donna’s face. There’s a small smile on her relaxed face as she sleeps in bed beside him, and he wonders if she’s still dreaming about him now or about something else.

The TARDIS hums softly and the Doctor sends a mental acknowledgement of thanks out in response. He knows that his ship was the one responsible for the fact that they stopped outside what was Donna’s bedroom on her previous time on board, only to find that the room that the Doctor has always occupied was now nestled behind it. Furthermore, although he didn’t mention it to Donna, his bed has only ever been single until the moment when they opened to door to find a double bed neatly made and waiting for them.

Another wordless voice interrupts the interchange of communication he is having with the TARDIS, and the Doctor eases himself up off the bed, sliding his feet into his slippers before heading through the new dividing door into what was formerly Donna’s room.

Adam is lying on his back in his cot, staring up at the ceiling, but even before he crosses the threshold, the Doctor can feel his son’s wordless but comprehensible thoughts crashing against his.

“All right, my boy,” he says softly as he picks up the child and cradles him, “I’m here now.”

The child gives a soft ‘gah’ as the Doctor carries him over to the changing table and begins removing the nappy that needs changing.

“The first thing I’m going to teach you,” he tells the boy as he feels the emotions coming from the infant change to relief, “is how to control those thoughts of yours so that you aren’t spilling them all over the place.”

Adam blinks at him, and the Doctor smiles, lifting his clean, dry son back into his arms and carrying him over to an old rocking chair that the TARDIS has provided. Wrapping him in the blanket draped over the arm, although he knows his trusty ship won’t allow the boy to get cold, he rocks gently, gazing down at the child, noting the way he shares features of himself and Donna.

“Just you wait,” he promises in a low voice, smoothing the tuft of lively hair on the boy’s head as Adam falls asleep, “I’m going to show you the Universe and everything I’ve ever seen or heard or known. That way, in time, just like Ood Sigma told me you would, you can carry on my legacy.”

“Legacy?” Donna’s voice from the doorway makes him look up, but it’s the concern in her voice that worries him. “What do you mean?”

“I thought you were asleep,” he scolds, standing up and covering the few feet between them to ease Adam into his mother’s arms.

“Yeah, I haven’t been doing much of that since he came along,” she admits, taking the boy and pressing her lips to his forehead. “I keep feeling like I have to check on him, as if he’s going to disappear or something.”

“Not anymore,” he tells her, sliding his arms around her waist so that she can lean back against him, brushing his lips against her ear. “I’m here to help you with that now.”

She nods, resting her head back against his shoulder. And then she lifts her eyes to meet his gaze and he can see by the concern on her face that she’s still worrying about the words she heard when she came into the room. Her next comment confirms it.

“When you said ‘legacy’,” she hesitates, chewing anxiously on her lip for a moment, “I suppose,” she admits with obvious reluctance, “I thought of you as living forever.”

“No.” He gives her a reassuring hug, although his voice is wistful. “It might seem like it, but I’m not immortal. If I get killed before I have a chance to regenerate, then I’m dead. And on Gallifrey it was rumoured that a Time Lord only had twelve regenerations, and I’ve used nine of those.”

Donna nods a little as she looks down again, although he feels as her arms tighten around their son and he can picture the way her face has fallen. He understands her feelings. She knows she won’t live forever, but she wanted to believe that he would always be there to take care of their son.

“Donna,” he murmurs, “I’m not about to throw my life away. I never have done, and I certainly won’t do it now, not with the two of you to care for.”

As she looks up at him again, a single tear is starting to trickle down her cheek. “Promise?” she begs.

He wipes it away and then gently moves to support Adam, lifting him out of her arms. “I promise,” he agrees, kissing her forehead before carrying their child over to his bed and tucking him in.

He turns back and wraps his arms around her, feeling as she buries her face in his neck. He rubs his hands over her back, murmuring soft reassurances into her ear as she trembles slightly in his hold and he can feel a few tears soak his pyjamas jacket.

It’s more than what he’s just told her, though, he understands. She’s been through so much lately, what with the return of her memories and, of course, discovering she was pregnant, and the added pressure of giving birth to their son without him there to support her.

Bending down a little, he lifts her into his arms, feeling her hands work their way behind his neck as he carries her into their bedroom, laying her gently on her side of the bed and covering her with the blankets.

He’s about to turn away and walk around so that he can get into his side of the bed when he feels the pressure of her hand clutching his shirt and looks down to see her eyes fixed on his face.

“Don’t leave me,” she whispers, stifling a sniff. “Not yet. I need you.”

“I’ll never leave you,” he swears passionately, and as she wriggles across to make room for him, he gets in between the sheets, taking the woman in loves into his arms.

The desperation with which she clings to him is evidence of her fear that this, too, might be a dream and that he could vanish any moment. It’s understandable, but he hates that his actions have caused this and his existing guilt is only compounded.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, and feels her arms tighten around him in response.

He strokes her hair, feeling as the terrible tension in her frame slowly begins to loosen and she gradually relaxes. He understands that, although he knows Donna Noble well enough to imagine the brusque and efficient façade she would have shown to the outside world, in the dark of her room at night, when she was alone, her fears and insecurities would have piled up until they seemed unsurmountable.

He’s determined to prove to her that she no longer has to be haunted by those feelings.

Slowly he feels as her hold on him slackens and her breathing evens out. Her head rolls down against his neck and she murmurs something drowsily under her breath that he can’t quite make out. He strokes her hair, content to feel her body against his and to hear her breathing soft in his ear.

Time ticks past; minutes first and then hours. He knows that Adam is awake, but since the boy isn’t distressed, and while Donna sleeps on, the Doctor isn’t about to move.

He wants her to have the experience of waking up in his arms, of feeling safe and loved and not alone for the first time since he left her in Chiswick.

He wants to keep the promise he made to her in that dream world – that he would be there for her when she would remember him.

Studying her relaxed features, he notes the lines of weariness and the slight shadows under her eyes. Although she looks so much better than when he left her behind, her memory of him wiped for a second time, nevertheless he can see the toll that having the sole care of their son has taken on her.

He knows this woman well enough to be able to imagine how she would have flung herself into the role of a mother, determined to make a success of it, to bring her son up the best way she could, to make him into someone that both she and the boy’s father could be proud of.

And he is so proud of her for it.

“I love you, Donna Noble,” he whispers, brushing his lips against her soft, warm skin, flushed pink with sleep.

She smiles a little, turning her head slightly closer towards him, but doesn’t wake. He strokes her hair, playing with the glorious ginger strands beneath his fingers, and feeling as the incoherent babble of thoughts from his son plays in his mind.

And when Donna finally does wake up, the smile on her face only broadens.

“Good morning,” the Doctor says softly as she stretches.

“Mmm.” She opens her eyes to gaze at him. “The only thing better than a wonderful dream,” she tells him, her voice a little husky, as she slides her arms around his neck, “is waking up and realising that it’s not a dream after all.”

He chuckles and kisses her, although they get no further as a result of a cry coming from the next room.

“I think our son is hungry,” the Doctor suggests as he’s reluctantly forced to relinquish his hold on Donna.

“How do you know?” she demands as she pulls away and begins to throw back the blankets.

“No, stay there,” he directs, ignoring her question as he gets out of bed. “I’ll bring him in here.”

She smiles and piles up the pillows, settling back against them as he leaves the room and heads into the nursery next door.

“I’ve got you,” he tells Adam as he picks up the crying baby and wraps him in a blanket – no easy task when the boy is a restless as his father! – before carrying him into the next room.

Donna is waiting and holds out her hands as soon as they appear. The Doctor brings Adam across to the bed and places him gently against the crook of her arm before sitting beside her on the bed, his fingers stroking her leg through the blanket, as Donna begins to feed their son.

“Well?” she asks as soon as they’re settled, casting a curious glance at him. “How did you know he was hungry? I’m the only person who can usually tell the difference between his cries. Or did he send you a special psychic Time Lord message?”

The Doctor laughs. “Nothing as complicated as that, I promise you,” he retorts with a grin, stroking his long fingers over Adam’s springy hair. Then he winks at Donna. “I know because I’m hungry!”

She rolls her eyes, although there’s a teasing grin on her face. “Well, we can’t have!” she says in mock-horror. “There’s no disaster in the universe greater than a hungry Time Lord! Quick, go and eat something before you curl up and die!”

He chuckles, hugging his legs to his chest. “I’d rather stay here,” he tells her, arching an eyebrow as he glances at their son before returning his gaze to her. “With you,” he can’t help adding in a meaningful tone.

Donna actually blushes a little and draws the blanket closer around Adam as her eyes fall. The Doctor is rather pleased that he can prompt such a reaction in her, and he’s intrigued at the newness of this experience. He’s also eager to find out what other changes have taken place in her and how he can bring them out of her.

“So,” Donna says with a blatant attempt at changing the subject that doesn’t fool him for a second, “what are we doing today?”

The smile fades from the Doctor’s face as he re-considers the thought he’d had while watching Donna sleep. There’s a place he wants to take her, but he’s uncertain of how she will feel about it when she understands the reason.

“I thought,” he says slowly, “we might go back to the Oodsphere.”

A small frown appears on Donna’s face, her eyes studying his features. “What’s so bad about that?” she asks, hurrying on before he can interrupt, “I can tell you’re not actually that happy about the idea.”

He sighs, lowering her eyes as his finger traces the elaborate pattern of the bedspread. “I went there before,” he admits in a low voice. “After I left you behind. Twice, actually. They called to me, the Ood. Making me change what happened. They were protecting you in a way I couldn’t.” He finally looks up at Donna to find her watching him. As he meets her gaze, she arches an obviously questioning eyebrow. “They blocked your dreams,” he adds by way of explanation. “The dreams where you lived through what we experienced together. So you wouldn’t remember.”

“What happened when you went back to the Oodsphere?” she asks, lifting Adam up against her shoulder and beginning to pat him gently on his back as she covers herself. “What,” she adds meaningfully, “are you afraid of?”

He can’t help smiling a little at how well she knows him, although it’s a bitter smile, not one of amusement. “They told me off,” he admits. “Well, Ood Sigma did. Said I was blinding myself to could-be’s because I was so focused on what I thought was going to happen.”

“And you don’t want to go back because he was right and you weren’t?” she asks, half-teasingly.

“No.” He shakes his head, looking down a little. “I don’t want to go back because, last time I went there, Ood Sigma was gone.”

“Oh.” Donna clearly understands his meaning at once and he can see the light in her eyes dim.

“I wanted us to go back before then though,” he adds hurriedly. “Because he always believed that it would work – that I would get you back – and I want to show him that he was right.”

She nods a little, lowering Adam more comfortably into her arms again. “And you don’t want me saying the wrong thing?” she asks. “Is that why you told me?”

“That, too, I suppose,” he agrees. “And,” he adds as she looks at him expectantly, “it simply didn’t occur to me not to tell you.”

The tension in Donna’s face relaxes a little and she reaches out her free hand to entwine her fingers with his. “I do want you to tell me everything,” she says softly. “Even what happened when I wasn’t here. Especially that.”

He nods. “As long as you talk to me, too,” he agrees. “Tell me what happened when I left you alone.”

“I want to.” She squeezes his fingers. “I want to understand what happened – how it happened. On one condition.”

“Oh?” He arches an eyebrow. “What’s that?”

“No guilt.” She strokes her thumb over the back of his hand, her eyes studying his face. “No blame,” she adds. “No beating yourself up over something that’s past – and especially not for something that we both know was necessary anyway.”

“Do you blame me?” he can’t help asking.

“No,” she insists, and somehow, despite having Adam in her arms, she manages to lean forward and kiss him.

Next Part